Torment of my depression
By M.C.N – Makhiwethu Clive Ngwenya
I have been hurt… can the world hurt you? Can you be hurt by something other than your own emotions – someone tampering with your soul and feelings;and can you truly deem an outer force, being of another human being capable of hurting you in your heart – tampering with your emotions and soul – because I think not. It seems for some (me) trouble follows you everywhere; what did I do to deserve this? Was I, that much of a naughty boy growing up… indeed, I stole from my mother’s purse; the usual small notes nothing big to deserve a lifetime of fateful forever-after torment and pain. Therefore, I think learning about God should come later on in life, when I am capable of reasoning what right and wrong is, and not being religiously taught about it at a young age, teaching millions of children that if I do wrong I will suffer from God’s wrath all my life. Did this not lead me here today…. My teachers didn’t like me for some time, ‘too quiet you are boy, speak up! And be like the rest of these good children, I’d hear…’ I had a good upbringing, home wise, a very brave and agile boy I was playing all over the house a champion and king my family knew me as. Outside of the house was a different story; you could deem me ghost-like, ‘An, I think I saw something, type of feeling others would get,’ I was a master of the mere glimpse, only people I wanted to see me saw me. Then this depression feeling crept in, slowly poisoning my soul, slowing turning me into a dangerous self-doubting thinker – mesmerised by self-doubting thought, of if I was a good person and man growing up. But what was the root cause of my depression I now positively how come to investigate in myself.
Looking at all that I have achieved, I can honestly say that I have done good, I am good, and I believe myself free; free from old norms: What teacher said about me she cannot take back, but I have decided – and always decided – to ignore her belittling ways and focus on succeeding…
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